The Call

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Call to United Airlines Mileage Plus, the frequent flyer program for United.

-In a robotic voice- Thanks for calling the United Mileage Plus customer service line. Would you like- reservations? Upgrades? Enroll in Mileage Plus? Or for everything else say- account services.

-Reservations.

-You’d like to enroll in Mileage Plus, correct?

-No.

-Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

-No reservations.

-You’d like upgrades correct?

-RES-ER-VA-TIONS.

-Okay, reservations. Is this for a reservation you’ve already made?

-No.

-Is this for award travel?

-Agent.

-I’m sorry, I didn’t-

-AGENT AGENT REPRESENTATIVE AGENT

-Okay, I’ll trans-

-AGENT AGENT! (transferring noises, brief hold).

-Good evening thanks for calling United Mileage Plus. You’d like to make a reservation is that correct?

-Yes.

-From where are you flying?

-Actually I’m in South America, I’d like to know which cities you guys serve. I know I can use miles to fly within South America, but I don’t know what my options are.

-I’m sorry what city was that?

-No. I’d like a list of cities you fly to in South America. Is there some kind of list?

-From what city will you be flying out of?

-OH MY GOD. I don’t have one. Fine, let’s pretend Buenos Aires.

-How many people will be flying?

-Me.

-Is that one person?

-(pausing for mental anguish)Yes I’m- one person.

-And what date will you be flying out?

-Any date.

-I’m sorry I didn’t get that.

-ANY date. This isn’t real. I just want to know my options.

- (pause) I’m sorry sir I need a date.

-September 15^th.

-You’d like to fly out Septem-

-September 15^th September 15^th September 15^th.

-Okay, I have for one person departing Buenos Aires on September 15^th. And the destination?

-I don’t know - where can I go?

-I’m sorry I didn’t get your destination.

-I don’t Have One. Is there a List? A list of Cities-To-Pick-From? A list of of places United, or it’s Partners serve from Buenos Aires?

-Please hold one moment sir (composing myself). Sir?

-Yes.

-Do you want to go to Paraguay, Uruguay, Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia-

-Colombia. Yes.

-You want to go to Colombia?

-Yes, that’s fine.

-Let me check sir (insufferable wait). Sir?

-Yeah.

-Is that Bogota?

-Sure.

-You’d like to go to Bogota?

-YES.

-Please hold (quickly). Sir?

-Yeah?

-I have one passenger departing from E-Z-E Buenos Aires flying to Bogota B-O-G on the 15^th of September, is that correct?

-OH MY GOD, YES, Yes its correct.

-Please hold (short wait). Sir?

-Yup.

-I have nothing on that date.

-Try any day in September.

-You want me to check every day?

-Any day will do.

-Please ho-

-Yeah.

-Sir?

-Ma’am?

-Sir?

-Yes Oh My God, What’d you find?

-(pause, possible confusion on her part) Sir there is nothing for September.

-Are you sure you even serve Colombia?

-There’s nothing for September sir.

-How about October?

-What day in October sir?

-(pause, some difficulty on my part) Any day. All of them. Try Everyday.

-Please hold.

-Sir?

-Still here.

-None for October sir.

-Is there Ever availibility? Are you sure you serve Colombia?

-Nothing for October sir.

-What about for the rest of the year, or even In the next year? What about that?
Anything?

-I’ll check the next twelve months sir.

-(Long, long pause in which I think of exciting things like taxes, cucumbers, hybrid bell-peppers, fizziness-level of South American soft-drinks-) Sir?

-Yes.

-Sir I have nothing for the next twelve mon-

-CLICK-.

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